just the beginning

so when I'm at home sitting all alone in the dark I'm thinking of all the pain that slowly tears me apart! and now all that builds inside me is hurt & my constant crying never seems to be heard. You broke my heart TORN INTO PIECES & i put my hand out 4 you too bad you never reached it.

Slipknot - Snuff

Bury all your secrets in my skin. Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins. The air around me still feels like a cage And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again...

So if you love me, let me go. And run away before I know. My heart is just too dark to care. I can't destroy what isn't there.

Deliver me into my Fate - If I'm alone I cannot hate I don't deserve to have you.., My smile was taken long ago, If I can change I hope I never know.

I still press your letters to my lips And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss. I couldn't face a life without your light, But all of that was ripped apart, when you refused to fight.

So save your breath, I will not care. I think I made it very clear. You couldn't hate enough to love. Is that supposed to be enough?

I only wish you weren't my friend. Then I could hurt you in the end. I never claimed to be a Saint., My own was banished long ago, It took the Death of Hope to let you go

So break yourself against my stones And spit your pity in my soul. You never needed any help... You sold me out to save yourself...

And I won't listen to your shame. You ran away, you're all the same. Angels lie to keep control., My love was punished long ago, If you still care, don't ever let me know...

The Best of Both Worlds

we lose so much & life is so tragic but beautiful at the same time its like we get the best of both worlds, the good and the bad & it draws a thin line between where we will all go in the end. Most of us live each day thinking we deserve another day here but its not always guaranteed, We spend to much time making everyones lives harder when really we could make it easier on all of our selfs: its like that Nickelback song: "If everyone cared and nobody cried, If everyone loved and nobody lied, If everyone shared and swallowed their pride, Then we'd see the day when nobody died".

Living With Social Phobia/ Social Anxiety Disorder

i just thought id share my experiences with you guys: Let me first tell you where this all started: id have to say in middle school the kids all started forming their little groups trying to be cool and competing in pretty much anything. i obviously wasn't the "social butterfly" i kinda just sat in corner and pretty much avoided any contact unless it was from close friends and even then it was like if they wanted to do stuff with the other kids i just said nah i dont want to or made excuses to why i didn't want to do it and other than talking to any of the kids at all doing presentations or working in groups are things i hated the most and dreaded even more when i went to highschool, it seems like highschool was when i dreaded everyday i remembered the 1st day was extremely awkward but surprisingly not as awkward as every other day, like the first day of any school noone rly starts or says shit to you because they are all trying to find their "comfort zone" but after they find it all hell breaks loose other than being mocked, ridiculed or publicly embarrassed and becoming even more antisocial than i already was skipping every class to go cry in the bathroom and cut yourself then completely act like nothing was wrong by the time we all go home or wiping your face and completely putting on a show when someone enters the bathroom. popping pills, smoking and drinking to essentially relieve all the pain but just make me feel worse in the end and then having to face a social situation and feeling like your going to pass out or puke all over the person who just walked past you or feeling like yur doing something embarrassing, just not good enough, and people are just fucking with you because they think their funny or dont think your going to take it seriously or what ever the case may be but you take it literally then eventually dropping out because you cant take it anymore & dont want to see another persons face or thinking if someone is gunna say something to piss you off and you might jump over a table or two or twenty then being depressed for about a year and a half afterward and my social anxiety got insanely bad after that to the point i didnt even leave my houseand if i did id be too scared to go in my backyard without downing a bottle of pills or getting so high u forgot who you were and it got so bad to the point where it turned into sort of a schizophrenia thing and i kinda still feel like that when it comes to driving and i still have SAD but its getting alot better but i hate being anywhere with too many people like malls and stuff but good news i kinda feel like everyday 1 more person is being added to the crowd of people i can deal with ^_^ but thats about all i can post right now i had some other stuff i was gunna write but i forgot but it will all come back 2 me when i write another post but to anyone who has ever felt like this or can relate let me know how u guys feel about it -bye!

~~~READ~~~

how can i get any closer to her if all i do is push her away? why i do this maybe cuz i don't wanna see myself get hurt or anyone else, I'm done with feeling sorry for my existence because if i wasn't here i wouldn't have meet some of the people Ive met now. I cant stand still and let time go by because its a chance i will lose her and maybe all of you. Dealing with my Anxiety is a pain in the ass always feeling judged or never feeling good enough, I'm dealing with it step by step so i don't get overwhelmed but the memories still remain. I've felt better than ever, But theres still much work to be done. It seems like all the big stuff I can only fix myself but the smaller stuff anyone could help me with. I'm finding one thing to love about myself everyday and its a never ending process NO EXCUSES so things can only get better right?