Living With Social Phobia/ Social Anxiety Disorder

i just thought id share my experiences with you guys: Let me first tell you where this all started: id have to say in middle school the kids all started forming their little groups trying to be cool and competing in pretty much anything. i obviously wasn't the "social butterfly" i kinda just sat in corner and pretty much avoided any contact unless it was from close friends and even then it was like if they wanted to do stuff with the other kids i just said nah i dont want to or made excuses to why i didn't want to do it and other than talking to any of the kids at all doing presentations or working in groups are things i hated the most and dreaded even more when i went to highschool, it seems like highschool was when i dreaded everyday i remembered the 1st day was extremely awkward but surprisingly not as awkward as every other day, like the first day of any school noone rly starts or says shit to you because they are all trying to find their "comfort zone" but after they find it all hell breaks loose other than being mocked, ridiculed or publicly embarrassed and becoming even more antisocial than i already was skipping every class to go cry in the bathroom and cut yourself then completely act like nothing was wrong by the time we all go home or wiping your face and completely putting on a show when someone enters the bathroom. popping pills, smoking and drinking to essentially relieve all the pain but just make me feel worse in the end and then having to face a social situation and feeling like your going to pass out or puke all over the person who just walked past you or feeling like yur doing something embarrassing, just not good enough, and people are just fucking with you because they think their funny or dont think your going to take it seriously or what ever the case may be but you take it literally then eventually dropping out because you cant take it anymore & dont want to see another persons face or thinking if someone is gunna say something to piss you off and you might jump over a table or two or twenty then being depressed for about a year and a half afterward and my social anxiety got insanely bad after that to the point i didnt even leave my houseand if i did id be too scared to go in my backyard without downing a bottle of pills or getting so high u forgot who you were and it got so bad to the point where it turned into sort of a schizophrenia thing and i kinda still feel like that when it comes to driving and i still have SAD but its getting alot better but i hate being anywhere with too many people like malls and stuff but good news i kinda feel like everyday 1 more person is being added to the crowd of people i can deal with ^_^ but thats about all i can post right now i had some other stuff i was gunna write but i forgot but it will all come back 2 me when i write another post but to anyone who has ever felt like this or can relate let me know how u guys feel about it -bye!